Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Who Would You Rather Get Raped By?

Campaign 2012 is spinning up, and I know all of you are asking, "What does the headline have to do with the presidential elections?" It's easy. I have talked to people that were weighing their options of the last election, and they didn't like either choice. However, they felt compelled to vote for one of the candidates. I told them not to vote. I know that is a faux pas in many circles, but not to me, and not to George Carlin.

I have heard my professors, pundits, Hollywood stars, etc. say that, "vo ting is your civic duty!" - as if casting a ballot for one of 2 undesirable choices is the pinnacle being an American citizen. Usually, when people want you to choose between a turd sandwich and a giant douche, they want you to vote for what they want. They try to force you into a false dilemma, which anyone that has attended any decent critical thinking class can tell you is a logical fallacy.

Now getting back to the headline, who would you rather get raped by, Sting or Tommy Lee?


I know most of you are thinking, "Fuck that! I don't want to get raped by either one!" Others are probably thinking, "Well Sting is smaller, so it wouldn't hurt as much, but he can go on for hours, whereas Tommy Lee would hurt more now, but be done faster..." Those of you that contemplated the second part are idiots, and should not be allowed to breed, let alone vote. Any sane person would choose not to get raped.

Every election, the establishment seems to want to rally around a candidate that is unpalatable, but seem like the lesser of two evils. By doing so, they force the nation into a false dilemma. Voting for the lesser of two evils still means that you are voting for evil, so the good decision is to not vote. Consenting, even begrudgingly, to a choice you don't want to make is still an endorsement of getting fucked over. It's not rape if you gave your consent, unless you live in California - then it's rape as long as the rapist wasn't a famous Hollywood producer.

To me, choosing to not vote, write in for some candidate that won't make it, or voting for the turd sandwich or giant douche is unacceptable. I would rather vote for someone I want as president, and not someone I think won't fuck up the country as much as the next schmuck.

What do I want? I want to vote for someone who has accomplished more in life than consistently winning popularity contests. I want to vote for someone that doesn't need a bunch of ass-kissers to tell everyone how smart he is and how great he is. Greatness is apparent and needs no explanation. I want a candidate that is so awesome, that Katie Couric eye-fucks the shit out of him and demands to know who the bad-ass is she sees before her. That is why, I want to draft Richard L. Simcock III for President of the United States!

Simcock 2012: If only he were king!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Successful Relationships

I've never had a relationship last more than a few months, so I'm sure you're wondering how I can give anyone any kind of advice. If my life has been any indicator, I'm an expert at failed relationships. A warning about the language below. Thinking about some my past relationships makes me swear like an Iraqi that has learned English from the Marines at OP Horea.

Every failed relationship you've ever been in has one common element - YOU! AKA the George Costanza Law (It's not them, it's you). Time to do some introspection. What did you do in your past relationships? Be honest with yourself. Take a full account of your relationships and find out what your flaws are. Did you smother them? Were you too aloof? Can't hold onto a job? Nail his/her hotter sibling/best friend/parent/cousin/dog? Once you have that figured out, then you are ready to move onto the next step. I know what you're thinking, "I have to change." Bullshit, you're perfectly fucked up the way you are. What you need to do is lower your standards/find someone desperate/patient enough to deal with your crazy ass. Trying to change yourself is difficult and you need to get laid now! Throw out all hope of finding Mr./Mrs. Right. They're boring anyways, and you'll just end up cheating on them.

You're incapable of picking the right partner. AKA get a consultant. If this wasn't true, then you'd be in a nice, stable, nurturing relationship. If you're like most people, then you tend to pick the same person over and over. Mine are short, voluptuous brunettes with a good girl quality before being ruined by some prick and turned into a complete whore with trust issues and a mentality akin to a mass murderer. Despite my best efforts, my penis drops the crazies on the top of my "To do" list, while my brain rejects more reasonable women for various things like: dated one of my friends, feet are too big, has an ugly mom, wants a real relationship, asks me to call them occasionally, work for a foreign intelligence agency, and because they didn't agree that Queen was one of the greatest rock bands of all time.

What to do? Get an outside perspective. Co-workers aren't a good choice for matchmakers because they want a good story for the water coolers. Additionally, your friends are idiots (they hang out with you), so they're no good. Your friends spouses are even worse because all they're looking for is someone for them to hang out with. You need someone that doesn't know how disturbed you really are, but still has a vested interest in you being in a stable relationship. The significant others of your friends are perfect. They want a good relationship with your friend, and don't want you to be a bad influence on them, taking them to Vegas for a weekend of gambling, blow and hookers, or calling them in the middle of the night for bail money. They're not likely going to set you up with a friend you'd cheat on and ruin their weekend shopping trips/poker night, etc.

Never date anyone that profits from other people's misery. Obviously I'm talking about lawyers, but there are so many other professions like politicians etc. They all have the same narcissistic and selfish attitude. They could care less if you are content in the relationship, think their indiscretions are forgiven because they are saving the planet, and if you end things, they have the skills and connections to make you pay THEM. These people are inhuman and seek to dominate. As much as we want them to collectively fuck themselves, it is both physically and mentally impossible for them. They can only fuck others. They'd like to be able to fuck themselves and eliminate any need for your pitiful ass, but God's great wisdom made them incapable of asexual reproduction. If He didn't, we'd be overrun by soulless freaks in 3 piece suits, silk ties, and wingtip loafers.

Never date anyone like you. If you're with someone exactly like you, how is that any different than masturbation? Sure it gets the job done, but it gets boring after a while and what you really need is a piece of strange. I know some "experts" will probably talk about having common ground, etc. etc. Sure that's partially true, but you want some differences. Differences breeds conflict, which begets excitement. Unless you're bipolar or extremely self-loathing, dating someone like you won't bring about the excitement needed to sustain a relationship past a few months. Conversely, dating someone completely different from you leads to constant conflict. Sure it can lead to great sex, but eventually, if you're lucky, you wake up before your balls are cut off.

Be mindful of the Crazy/Hot Scale. Barney Stinson explained this in such great detail that it bears no further discussion. However, I'm kind of a narcissist myself, so I can't help but interject. I told one of my boys about the Crazy/Hot Scale when he was dating a chick that "wasn't crazy at all." I told him that all women are crazy. I explained the Crazy/Hot Scale but also told him that the hot scale ends at 10, but the crazy has no end. For the record, guys don't go on the Crazy/Hot Scale because for the large part, we're not crazy. The question is ladies, how much of a dick can your man be before he's not worth it?

Make time for yourself and your friends. No matter how cool your woman/man seems, you need some "you" time. The best part of being together is all of the time you spend away from each other. That's how people dealt with marriage before the times of easy divorce. Don't criticize your significant other because they would much rather hang out with their friends drinking beer, playing video games, etc. Ladies, it's not a reflection on you. Guys require a group of other guys to talk shit to and boast of their accomplishments. If it makes you feel any better, consider it a support group. Sure his friends are bad influences, but that shouldn't worry you. Go out and have your own fun. If the guy gets jealous, it's because he cares - and your friends are a bunch of whores. He'll get the point.

Love is not required. We can't help who we fall in love with. Why? Because love is the most vile form of insanity. Love is unreasonable. Love is destructive. And if it's expressed in tattoo form, love is about three more days. Countries with arranged marriage have lower divorce rates because no love is required. You enter in knowing next to nothing about the other, are forced to compromise and live together, and end up generally more content. Why? Because the husband and wife know that sticking together will keep their respective families from chopping their heads off if they were allowed to divorce.

Know your time limit. The former love of my life didn't learn this lesson with one of her former boyfriends because he said he was going to commit. Ladies, guys will say whatever is needed to get into your pants. Some guys take #7 to heart, and only want an automatic dishwasher, laundromat, and personal chef. If you see a relationship not going anywhere, don't be afraid to end it. Don't hope he'll change his mind in the future. As they say in the military, "Hope is not a Course of Action." You can't see what's in front of you if you're gazing at the stars. What I mean by that is that there are probably 50 other guys around that would like to nail you. Don't deny us a piece, I mean deny yourself, if you're with an asshole. When it's done, it's done. On a personal note, if the guy ends it ladies, don't refuse to break up and damage several locks to sneak back into bed with him. Stalking is not cool. Guys, the same advice applies to you. If you think your woman will quit being whorish if you commit, you're sadly mistaken. That's usually a sign that says "I want to enjoy every guy this side of the Mississippi before my body goes to shit. Leave it be. There's plenty of fish in the sea, and it's being restocked with newer and hotter fish every day.

All problems become magnified the more serious the relationship gets. If something is a minor annoyance now, it will become a huge problem later. Think of your last relationship. Remember that annoying thing they did all the time? Remember when you thought it was cute? What about your current relationship? What annoying habit does he/she have? Imagine it now if you traded keys. Moved in together. Got engaged. Got married. Had kids. Get my point?

Finally, be bold, be daring, don't fret over mistakes. If you make mistakes, you can learn; therefore, grow and develop. However, if everything is perfect, when you do make a mistake, then that can end a relationship you've spent a long time building. Time works against us all, so we can't go wasting it by having it end because you bought a TV for the bathroom so you don't have to miss the game or the commercials during the Super Bowl. Fuck up early, and call your significant other on their fuck ups. Get it out the way and don't hold a grudge. Or, if you're more crafty and devious, don't call them on their mistakes until you need an out for one of yours. Or in other words, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. It's such good advice that it's spouted out at church.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Gays Prove They're Just as Stupid as Everyone Else

Gays want equal rights to join one of the worsts institutions created by mankind (slightly above the Nazi Party, NAMBLA, Communists, and Scientology, but below the WNBA and the Star Trek Fan Club of Bumfuck, AZ). Gays want to get married because they are like women - except with more sensible shoes and less restrictive underwear. And they're tired of always being the bridesmaid or wedding planner, instead of the bride. Unfortunately, gays gave up their common sense when they started batting for the other team, so are prone to the wild mood swings and crazy emotions of the fairer sex.

So what's wrong with marriage? Maybe I'm biased because I'm a cynic, or haven't had some harpy of a woman beat me into submission long enough to buy her a ring and propose. Despite my biases, I have some legitimate gripes with the whole marriage thing and I hope my gay friends can bring themselves to see reason. However, with them being like women, I'm not holding out for hope.

The first thing is that marriage is a trap. When a man marries a woman, he goes into it with the understanding that his life is over. Married men are like zombies, except with less personality and a more dreary sense of style. That said, the only release is sweet death or divorce. Neither is a great option, but divorce is more expensive and no guarantor that the suffering will end - just ask Tiger or ask a divorced guy before he finds new trim. With no clear idea of who is being trapped, gay marriage will lead to a maelstrom of hate and discontent. Without their zeal for life, gays will degenerate into a depressing and hateful brood more commonly seen in suicide bombing cells or an emo concert. Why are gays called "gay?" Because they are happy. Please don't make me learn another term when you become dour. You could take dominion of yet another pejorative, but it will be too long before we're all in agreement and my generation lacks patience.

Second, people have this strange concept that marriage is a way to show their dedication and love to another person. Why do bros outlast hos? Because you show your dedication to your bros by bailing them out of jail if you're not in it with them, and your bro-ness by bringing over beer or helping your bros move furniture. How do you show the ladies you love them? Apparently the courts frown upon setting their lawn on fire and spelling "I love you" with the flames, scwhacking other male suitors, holding a gun to their head and making them say those three words, and other endearing acts. The point is, guys have no idea how to properly express themselves and routinely mistake love for a random erection. I don't know why people equate love and marriage, but it was probably set up by some sinister doomsday cabal set on world annihilation. Love and marriage don't go together. Marriages based on love are doomed if there isn't something more. Easy marriage leads to quick divorce and the above consequences.

Third, marriage destroys creativity. Without creativity, the fashion industry would collapse, home improvements wouldn go in the shitter, men will have to run around smelling like themselves instead of Ocean Mist SPORT!, and art would be painfully unimaginative (so no change really). In other words, marriage would destroy the vibrant gay community. I sometimes want to look good when I roll out, and I want to hide some stink without smelling like potpourri. Don't do it. Whether we want to admit it or not, we need you happy homos pulling some magic out of your ass. We only ask that you leave the gerbils in there and not to do it in front of us normal people.

Finally, I know what some of you are thinking, what about lesbians. As every guy knows, lesbianism is just a myth. Lesbians are just women that want to get the attention of every straight guy around, so they don't matter. Just kidding dykes, don't kick my ass. This is a weird thing. I thought that lesbians would be reasonable like guys, but alas, their female parts overwhelm their reason center. So to sum things up - marriage is a deplorable institution and I don't recommend it for anyone. However, being a believer in individual liberties and all that trash, you can make your own decisions - no matter how idiotic or deplorable they might be.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A Misogynist's Defense of Women's Rights

While pursuing some blogs recently, I came across some comments from fellow misogynists that denigrated women in the most horrific way (I won't link to them, since you don't have to go far to find a plethora of examples). One of biggest questions that came up was "what good has come from giving women rights?" For every negative (let's be honest ladies, there are plenty), there comes a positive.

#1 Giving women the right to vote.
I know what you're saying guys, this was a major charlie foxtrot, right? What did this get us? Prohibition, Nancy Pelosi... The list goes on, but I'd like to keep things simple on the first point so I can pontificate further. Know this, giving women the right to vote is a GOOD THING! Once right minded (meaning men) got back, we ended prohibition. Even better, prohibition gave us the Mafia. How empty would your life be without the Godfather, Goodfellas, the Sopranos, etc. For every Nancy Pelosi, we now have a Sarah Palin. The world balances itself out. How do we get our news now? Not by some old fart with bags under his eyes, but from the likes of the Fox News Babes, CNN Babes, etc. If women weren't in politics, then we'd have some boob on TV delivering the news in a drab way, instead of a nice pair of tits that speak. Besides, when was the last time we REALLY even listened to anything anyone said? It's been a long time since I watched the news without hitting the mute button.

#2 Letting women in the work force.

Letting women work was a horrible mistake we'll never be able to correct, but there are some positives. Once women were able to work, they demanded more. They thought they could have special treatment. They did things like demand respect, equal pay, and filed countless law suits. This led to Feminism, and that book by that unattractive gal, the Feminine Mistake (I could be wrong on that one). How has that helped us? First off, I know that women in a work place can be a downer, especially in the military. But this is another good thing. Feminism has its positives. Try picking up the tab when going out with a non-dyke feminist. My bros are slower on the pick up than they are! Plus it has created an entire class of women capable of supporting a loser like you. No longer do men have to work in order to live the good life. What else did feminism give us? Greater access to birth control, and no expectation of marriage! Do I really need to explain that? What about women in the military? I know grunts have a hard time figuring out any positives from this, unless I put it in these words: Air Force chicks. Additionally, I like ESPN more now that Erin Andrews is on the air.

#3 Oprah, and getting in touch with your feelings.

Ok, this isn't a right, but it still irritates the shit out of me. Come on! There is no reason to like Oprah, unless she's giving you a new car and financing your bud's bachelor party in Vegas, with iron clad non-disclosure agreements for any "iffy" family members forced on the party. That being said, why is all of this a good thing? Oprah keeps women busy, and buying things out their ass. That is good for the economy (AKA your stock portfolio). Additionally, while they focus on the latest from Oprah, they leave us alone long enough to do what guys do. The touchy feely stuff led to those gay self esteem classes. Without the narcissism created by those classes, we wouldn't have the extravagant female exhibitionism that's led to an increase in strippers, the multi-billion dollar porn industry, faux lesbianism, and other sluts parading themselves around for our pleasure. Sure it led to things like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, metrosexualism, etc, but at least I can now get a decent hair cut, a nice suit, and a fruity wingman that I don't need to worry about stealing my girl.

Most importantly, a culture devoid of women's rights leads to:
I've been deployed to Iraq several times. A completely misogynistic culture turns men into pussies, fags, and terrorists. Support women's rights, or the terrorists win.

- Smart Grunt

For those with no sense of humor, keep in mind that this is all in jest.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Is This Really an Issue?

So El Presidente (or Presiden if you're going with Indonesian - thanks Google translator), made a joke a about a Predator drone strike against the Jonas brothers. I thought it was funny, but apparently there are some people with no sense of humor.

"Jonas Brothers are here, they're out there somewhere. Sasha and Malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. Two words for you: predator drones. You will never see it coming. You think I'm joking?"

Why is this an issue? I know I've threatened people before for eying my cousin, but then again, I'm an asshole. Besides, the image of a Jonas Brothers concert filled with a bunch of screaming tweens because of a successful Hellfire strike makes me chuckle - just kidding, I'm an asshole, just not that much of one.

So what do you think? Do you think this was a funny/harmless joke?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

2 More Assholes Dead

Good news from Iraq! Abu Ayyub al Masri and Abu Umar al Baghdadi were schwacked by a joint US-Iraq task force. I only regret that my boys and I didn't get the chance to track them down and send an LMAV up their asses.

I know there are many people that think it's pointless killing these leaders since they'll soon be replaced by someone else. That's complete... what's the nice way to say this... horsecock. In any organization, people eventually rise to the level of their incompetence. Kill the top level assholes, and eventually someone dumb enough will claim the leadership position and start implementing policies that will damage the organization more than your original strike.

Good kill guys.

Is Kal Penn About to Become a Conservative?

Remember that old adage about a liberal being a conservative who hasn't been mugged yet? If that's true then Kal Penn, who played Dr. Kutner in House, is about to make a big conversion. Kal's political persuasion is undeniable. He campaigned heavily for the President, and accepted an appointment as the White House Liaison for Asian-Americans. So, will this mugging lead to him becoming a card carrying member of the NRA? Probably not, but stranger things have happened.