Star Bore: Pogue One

A Strong Argument For Bootlegging

There has been constant onslaught of people heaping praise on the latest Star Wars movie. It’s better than the Christmas Special, but at least that one had more Boba Fett. They make a big deal about the diversity of the cast, like that’s something special in a universe populated by aliens. How about put in good actors regardless of race! There were some enjoyable elements, but compared to the hype of the movie, it fell short. Still, a body of work should be judged by its merits: visuals, scoring, story and characters. I won’t go into all of the plot details because we know what happens ultimately, but there might be some spoilers if you’re bothered by that.

If you’re looking for a well thought out movie with dynamic characters, great dialogue, a gripping story and well used fan service, go see Creed. If you’re looking for a fun, action packed movie with fun characters, witty one liners and fan service, go see the Expendables. If you’re looking for Storm Troopers, a Death Star, X-wings and TIE fighters, then go see Rogue One. The director, Gareth Edwards does know how to put together some decent action scenes and we’re not seeing the insufferable lens flare that we’re used to with J.J. Abrahms. The visuals of the movie were largely good, but the special effects people should have tried harder on resurrecting Peter Cushing and de-aging Carrie Fisher. It’s obvious and distracting. Darth Vader did not look good. There are better fan costumes. On top of that, the scoring was lackluster and it is obvious it’s not a John Williams original.

The overall concept for Rogue One is good. We know that the Rebels got their hands on the plans for the Death Star, but unless you read through the novels, you had no idea how they did. Of course, with Disney at the helm, even if you read through the novels you have no idea how they did because they said fuck all to the expanded universe. Rogue One promised to show us how they got the plans and it was promoted as having a great heist with a brave assault as cover. It failed to deliver on the first part, but the assault was decent. Really, the writers should have stuck to one or the other but they weren’t up to the task of either. One of the things that failed the movie for the hardcore fans is actually all of the fan service. Every element they had to put in was less time they had to actually tell a good story. It was a shallow façade to try and force drama points. There was no real drama in the entire movie and it was sprinkled with so many clichés it is clear that the writers are hacks. George Lucas is not the best writer around, but his scripts were far superior to the current crop of Star Wars movies.

The script was uninspired and really seemed like bad fan fiction from the worst Star Wars fan ever. I have seen better fan films with better dialogue than what they put out. The plot should be simple. After many delays, the Death Star is about to become operational and it will be an existential threat to the freedom loving Rebels, so the plans for it must be obtained at all costs. They know of a scientist that would have access to those plans and they know of someone they could use to leverage him to get the plans. Simple, but they got away from that simple concept and ran around directionless throughout most of the movie. Yes, we know that the Death Star is something to be feared, but you don’t really get that sense from the characters. Once it is test fired, they still don’t do anything to really make it seem visceral and real. I’m not expecting a great disturbance in the Force, but something more to show that the characters thought, “oh shit.”

The movie was mostly boring with a few sprinklings of fun scenes, but nothing really builds. On top of that, anyone that’s well versed in Star Wars will notice some inconsistencies. That’s fine, if it’s a stand-alone film, but since it is part of established movies, it has to fit into them. Some of them are minor details like C3-PO and R2 being on the rebel base and not in the command ship during the Rebel Assault.  Others are a bit more glaring like when the ship escapes at the end, only to have Leia declare she’s just on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan at the opening of Episode IV. The most annoying inconsistency was Darth Vader. We know that the writers are beta cucks that have no idea about how to make tough characters, but they make Vader seem like a very different character in his dialogue with Krennic (Ben Mendlesohn), the main villain of the film. Vader is arrogant, physically intimidating, and doesn’t suffer fools well. Making Vader use puns seems Forced! Unlike Chris Weitz, I don’t have to explain that joke to the audience because I’m not writing for Hillary supporters.

The writing was so bad, what should be good, interesting characters in a dynamic world in a high stakes situation are instead boring characters that no one gives a shit about. The only characters that are likable are the gimmick characters. K2SO (Alan Tudyk) is the comic relief and the best droid in the series.  Chirrut Îmwe (Donnie Yen) plays the stereotypical blind Asian martial arts master, but sometimes stereotypes work. However, after the initial offering we saw in the trailer, he really doesn’t do much else cool. Baze Malbus (Wen Jiang) was fun too, but was really a wasted character. The only reason to have either of them was to get the movie into China.

I know some people thought they’d make Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones) a Mary Sue, but they at least didn’t fall into that trap like they did with Rey in Force Awakens. She is a weak character with no strengths to speak of. She doesn’t have any special skill, moral strength, leadership abilities, charm, and no development in the entire script even though she’s the main character! Her journey as a reluctant hero is unbelievable. Compared to her character, the Force, light sabers and no one killing Jar Jar seem entirely reasonable.

Jyn’s main foil was Captain Cassian (Diego Luna), who was not up to the task. He did not provide any real contrast to Jyn or push her to develop in any way. Conflicted assassin turns hero should be cool. He wasn’t. The only great thing about him was that he brought along K2SO. The character concept was good, but like everything else in the movie it fell short.  The rest of the cast was entirely forgettable. They added nothing of substance and were just along for the ride. What they could have done is do a better job highlighting that these people are not the best of the best, no heroes are coming, but there is no choice but to go with the Rebels you have, and not the Rebels you wish you had.

The last part of the film is the only interesting part. The first 3 quarters of the movie could have been condensed to give more time for the heist and diversionary strike.  When it becomes time for the Rebels to act, do they jump at what could be their last chance? No, they bicker, squabble, and can’t reach a consensus. Jyn and her crew resolve to go and a few doers go with her. They follow her just because she has an inkling of a plan. That’s good! A good plan executed vigorously now is better than a perfect plan executed later, or in the Rebel’s case, doing nothing.  If I was still giving classes on offensive doctrine, I could see myself using a clip from here as an attention getter to highlight that point. Of course, Monty Python will always be used to demonstrate deductive reasoning.

The ragtag group gets into the Imperial base and split up to do their parts. The assault team kicks it off, and uses disinformation to keep the enemy confused to draw the enemy away from the real objective. Then the main Rebel force finds out what the raid force is doing through unexplained plot device and blue Admiral Ackbar gets an entire fleet moving to support a small element in contact. I know what it takes to move a large element, and then there is the transit time through hyperspace and other things to consider. As far as realism goes, Jyn Erso is a well-developed character played expertly by Felicity Jones and surrounded by a stellar cast that was in no way diversity hires picked to virtue signal progressives of pallor, race hustlers, or get into the lucrative Chinese film market. But ignoring that, it’s better than the rest of the Rebels sitting around with their thumbs up their asses and could be forgiven. Just like how every movie sniper has to copy Gunny Hathcock, it seems every major battle scene now has to copy Leeroy Jenkins. At least when Game of Thrones did it, Jon Snow’s back up was ready for battle and there was only one Rickon Stark.

Still, the assault was visually stunning and even with the clichéd and tired tropes, unlikely requirements and recycled footage; it was still the best part of the movie. Vader’s boarding action was fun fan service and at least they showed that Vader doesn’t run, you run from Vader. If you watch the movie and were a fan of Star Wars, you’ll find that the movie really doesn’t stick with you. The only selling point for the movie is nostalgia, not the characters, except K2SO, the only competent droid in the universe. If you must see the movie, bootleg it. Honest criminals deserve the ad revenue more than Hollywood pedos.